atrustaijitu

Something's been on my mind tonight, and I had to sit down and write it out before I could let myself go to bed. I'm going to ask a rhetorical question, and use it as a jumping-off point for an opinionated rant.

The question: When was the last time your bank said you had overdrafted?

And while I'm at it, let me ask a second rhetorical question.

If you're not buying something on credit, how is it possible to spend more money than you have in a bank account?

--

As you have all assumed, I'm sure, this is sparked by my recurring overdrafts. Banks and I have had a history of not agreeing with one another, and I don't know if it's just new math (80's reference there) or what, but I can never seem to get ahead.

I've gone so far as to sign up for my bank's "Virtual Wallet", which is designed for people my age, allowing me 'unprecedented access to real-time information' about my account. I even have an app for my iPhone that lets me connect to the same, and I look at my account at least once a day.

So how the hell do I keep overdrafting or having checks bounce? And when a check bounces, why am I slammed with such a high fee anyway? I could -almost- understand being charged when a bank would honor a debit that would overdraft my account as a 'loan' or something, but when they're -not- paying out, why am I being charged some arbitrary amount for it?

It's enough to make me start cashing my paychecks at Wal-Mart for $3 apiece and stuff my mattress with paper money.

-

In an age of instant access, why is it so difficult to keep an accurate register using online banking information? If I'm at Subway and purchase a sandwich on my card, and it goes out and authorizes that card for a certain amount, my bank is saying "Okay. He's got this much." -- So why doesn't that authorization hold SHOW UP in my online information? Fuck, the bank likes to fill my screen with "pending charge" figures as it is - so how is that different?

And my wife will even attest to having a payment processed as credit online for a utility bill -- just up and disappear for two days. It showed in the account the day the payment was made. Pending, yes, but it was subtracted from the available balance. Great, just like it was supposed to. Then that night at midnight, it disappeared. Literally, it wasn't reflected in the account and the available balance re-increased itself the missing charge's amount. And it sat like that for two days, until the 'pending' debit was verified and actually removed. ...So why wasn't it just listed as 'pending' for those two days? Why this game of hide-and-go-seek?

It's sad, I think, that in 2009 I'm giving careful consideration to paying for everything in Cash and Money Orders. Why? Because the transaction is instant. If I have a $20 in my pocket and stop to get a burger, when I hand over the twenty and get change, I know, instantly, how much I have left. The assorted change sitting in my pocket doesn't magically turn back into a twenty dollar bill a half hour down the road, and I can't 'accidentally' overspend. If it's not in my fucking pocket, then I guess I don't have it -- right?

Same thing with money orders. You hand over cash, they give you what's essentially a check. Except this check is guaranteed. It can't bounce, and I can't be charged a NSF fee for it. It's the same as paper money -- and that cash has left my pocket. It's not like I can hold a money order up when someone's asking me to pay for toilet paper and say "It's okay, man. I haven't actually given this to my landlord yet, so I know I've got enough to buy this."

--

The biggest problem with this is -- online transactions. How in the world do I handle those? You can't feed cash into some drive in your computer and have it converted to virtual money. Besides, isn't that what happens when you deposit money into an ATM anyway?

The best bet I have for right now is to do something so complicated it annoys me. The idea is to earmark money in my bank account, or deposit a certain amount of money back into my bank, only to transfer that amount over to Paypal and use it as a sort of clearing house account. I would know exactly how much money I was feeding into the account, and thus know exactly how much I had to spend out of it. The only problem is, I have to use a bank to do these things, which puts me at risk of overdrafting.

I tried applying for the Paypal debit card -- something I've had in the past, but it expired. And for some reason I was turned down. Otherwise I could just deposit the cash into a local ATM, and control it a bit more directly.

The second possibility would be to get a second bank account -- a free checking account or something, with the same bank so I could do transfers back and forth with some ease.

I haven't figured it out yet. But I do know this. ...Our system of banking has a long way to go before it surpasses paper cash physically being handed over in exchange for goods.

On the ride home tonight a deer struck the driver's side of her car while we were both in it, driving at about 45 MPH. The car's actually pretty okay - the damage was mostly superficial.

Andrea did not lose control of the car, thank goodness. No broken glass, and the gasket around the Windshield is okay. Part of the side panel broke off, and the door will not open because the lock mechanism bent inward, but the door panel is fine. Oh, and the driver's side mirror is missing - but I did find the rubber piece on the road identifying the mirror with a barcode. So it can be perfectly matched.

We got home - the car's driving fine, thank God. Took photos of the damage and alerted her father. The car's insurance is in his name; so we'll leave it to him to work out what needs to be done, and what Saturn lot to take it to for it to get fixed.

Had a good day today; and it's just funny that God or whoever decided to say "HAHA, THOUGHT YOU'D GET THROUGH THIS ONE UNSCATHED, DID YOU? TRY AGAIN, BITCHES!"

Blah.

JAPANESE (Romaji) - thanks to rageguy for the Romaji lyrics

tsunaide datte o hanashi tanda I KNOW wakatteru
mukuchi na HOME de

I’M MR.LOVER nante tsuyogaru CAN YOU FEEL ME?
imada ni YOU’RE MY kokoro iyasu DIVA
BUT I CAN’T SAY THIS WORD “aitai na”
I WANNA toki o REWIND RIGHT NOW

aitaiyotte ima sugu ni demo sakebitai no ni
mou YOU AND I ienai
iji o hattemo tsukamenai ano koro wa ude no naka ni ita no ni
kimi wa mou inai

BABY… COME BACK TO HERE FOR ME
sou to nari ni… I WANNA SAY IT
YOU AND I otagai ienai aenai
ano toki kara sunao ni narenai mahou ga tokenai
I WANNA USE THE SANDS OF TIME… kimi no soba ni itai

aishiterutte sakende mita kedo kimi no moto ni wa todokanai yo
nakanai de kureyo tsuraku naru kara
mune no oku ni omoi o toji kometa
kimi wa mou inai

HEY MY GIRL dareka no “mono” ni naru nara
isso kiete hoshii to negau kokoro no naka
imada omoide FLASHBACK!
ano toki ano basho de deawa na kereba…

aishiterutte sakende mita kedo
kimi no moto ni wa todoka nai yo
nakanai de kureyo tsuraku naru kara
mune no oku ni omoi o toji kometa
aitaiyotte ima sugu ni demo sakebitai no ni
mou YOU AND I ienai
iji o hattemo tsukamenai
ano goro wa ude no naka ni

--

~ I don't care what you say anymore, this is my life
Go ahead with your own life, and leave me alone ~

Believe it or not, this entry is not being written due to external stimuli. Not directly, at any rate. To be honest, I was sitting in my hotel room, watching "The Pick of Destiny", sitting up in the office chair. I realized I was sitting at the laptop waiting for something to happen. Something. I wasn't in the mood to play a game. Wasn't really reading. Wasn't in the mood to chat so much, but I wasn't in the mood to sleep.

I'm not sure why I had the laptop open. I'm not sure why I was in a chair. I don't know why I felt bored. I don't know why I felt... discontent and disconnected. I don't read, write, or play video games. I have trouble watching movies and TV shows -- because I'm always watching my laptop for -someone- to pop up to talk to.

I'm in an interesting buffer, and I've been here for a while. Is it depression? I don't know what to call it -- I really don't! But it has to change. I've been putting distance between myself and my wife, and we spend more time on our respective laptops than with her -in- my lap. I'm not bored in marriage.

I'm just awkward.

Last night I went to the gym in the hotel and weighed myself. I'm right at 300 pouds. What does that mean? -- It means the 20 pounds I lost from February 08 to February 09 -- I've regained. My belly is round again. My boobs seem to have grown.

My sex life is dead due to complications with my weight, lack of fitness, and mental state. I've realized I spend too much of my time when I'm alone... uh. "Taking care of myself", if you get my drift. So I can do that but I've shut down to where I can't express my attraction to my wife.

But I can still flirt with other people, because I have that disconnect there. Why? Is it a fear of having to follow through with things? When I put the laptop aside and read those New Frontier books, I was happier. Yes, I was holed up in the fiction - but I wasn't so worried about being online.

So, here we are.

--

I have goals for myself. Things that came to mind tonight, while I was in the shower. I have such good ideas in the shower. hahaha.

Here's a list of those goals. This is some of them, not all. These are in no particular order, but will include reasons for these decisions.

--

1) Cut back my consumption of dairy products.
-- Why? My sinuses are so destroyed, that any dairy product will cause an immediate over-production of phlegm. At the same time, I'm a realist. I can't go "cold turkey", because I'm as addicted to milk and cheese as some people are to drugs.
-- The immediate goal: Drink no more than 1 (one) 8 (eight) oz cup of milk a day, period. In addition, restrict myself to 1 percent organic milk. I had Horizon and the flavor wasn't bad - and I didn't get the usual headache after drinking it. :)

2) Start cutting back my IMs, limit my iGoogle page, slim down my RSS feeds, close MySpace.
-- Why? I think this is part of the 'connectivity' issue I mentioned before. I remember talking to Andrea for a bit, and making a comment about how, you know, people used to write letters to one another, and it'd take three days or more to get a reply. More time was spent thinking about those writings, and what one person wanted to say to another. People used to leave messages on an answering machine and return calls - rather than have text messages and IMs and cell phones ringing.
-- I think if I convert my RSS feeds and emails to something I can read through Thunderbird, I'll have less of a need to be logged into iGoogle all the time - less of a need to be on Pidgin all day and night.

3) Get a cell phone number again via AT&T.
-- Why? To give Andrea her phone back, and be able to stay in touch with her, work, and friends. To enable me to practice making phone calls and get over my anxiety about dialing numbers and talking to people. Again -- less of a reason to be on IM if I can text and talk to someone on the phone. I'll be able to step away and leave the laptop if someone still wants to contact me.

4) Start getting used to sleeping at a normal time, even if it means not seeing Andrea every night.
-- Why? They say "absence makes the heart grow fonder". Maybe if I don't see Andrea every day while I'm working through the week, we'll have more to talk about on our days together. Maybe we'll actually miss each other and put the world aside for a few hours, and reignite our marriage and our passion for one another. Plus, I'll be better rested for work, and I do much better at -anything- if I'm rested.

5) Exercise every day, preferably in public.
-- Why? Because I'm a fat motherfucker who gained 20 pounds back in 4 months that it took me 12 months to lose. I know I'm capable of more, because I've been there. I've been in better shape, and I liked myself a lot more. I was more confident. I was more outgoing. I also had a healthy, active sex life - and my doctor's also said weight loss and exercise will only help with my sex life and high blood pressure.
-- And in public because that would imply GETTING OUT OF THE FUCKING APARTMENT, and that's all win right there. Grab the ipod, my headphones, a bottle of water, and get out there and start jogging. I've been walking with my friend Chris, but I need to set up a routine. To start, I think a half hour outside every day after work would be good. I plan to institute this on Saturday.

6) No more masturbation.
-- Why? This is, oddly enough, really difficult for me. I know masturbation is healthy and normal, but not when it's replacing sex with a spouse. Enough said, I hope.

7) Write. Draw. Develop. Participate in ST:Dimensions.
-- Why? To seek a creative outlet. To use some of my time during the day to get away from the PC, look inward, and be creative... and hopefully find something in myself I really like and feel fulfilled in that.

8) Read more.
-- Why? Reading is something I enjoy, and hurts no one.
-- I want to give my wife what she's wanted all these years: my opinion on her writings.

9) Get a small steno pad and keep it within reach at all times.
-- Why? Things come to mind all the time, and are lost and wasted when I have no means to write them down. Maybe there's something I want to remember later. Maybe I think of a song. This isn't to keep a journal, and Twitter does not provide this function. But I want to become organized in my life, and writing things down for myself can only help.

10) Get my finances under control.
-- Why? Uh, duh! I want to open a second bank account, one only I can access, just like Andrea has. I'll have my checks deposited to it -- and we'll use our joint account that I've been using, to put money into for house bills and food budgeting. I don't ever want to be late on a bill again, once we get things back under control.

11) Read about philosophy and spirituality.
-- Why? Because I'd like to. :)

--

I'm sure there's more, but it's 11:15 PM and I have to get up at 5:30 AM to get a shower, a cup of tea, pack my things, check out of the hotel, and get to work by 7:00 AM.

I love you all.

Little Hands - Duncan Sheik

Some sweet perversion
On the telephone line
I've been waiting for such a very long time
For her to be free
The evening was nice
But there were too many people
And all my thoughts so depraved and evil
Oh lord what would she say

(she says:) I'm afraid it's not to be
You're a sweet guy but you ain't for me
I live my life in a different way
You know those things you're thinking
Are a big mistake


We stayed out late 'til morning came
I said "I'll take you home
If its all the same"
Her indifference fills the room
Some weak seduction on the morning after
How it slays me every time I touch her
But she just wants to sleep

(she says:) How long 'til you understand
The last thing that I need is another man
Didn't you promise to give it a rest
Right now I need a lover
Like a hole, like a hole in the head

Oh well, can't blame a guy for tryin'
And I'm smiling even though I'm dying
To know the love she says will never be

One last conversation in the crowded bar
And even thought the music is louder by far
I hear every word she says

(she says:) Don't take it bad don't worry about it
You're a friend of mine and there's no way around it
Sometimes you get there early sometimes you get there late
But even if you had a chance you never, never knew the game

Little hands, open smile
I'm glad we got to talk for a while
I feel O.K. yeah I'm feeling better
I'll let it go but I'll never say never
It's O.K. yeah, it's O.K.

First off, This isn't about bragging. But I haven't written in a while, and I felt like it would be good to sit down and ramble. That I've had a pretty good day today helps, too.

I saw Andrea off to work this morning, before hopping in the shower. After, I got ready for my latest guitar lesson -- and while I was a couple of minutes late, my new teacher, Richard (who replaced Nick) doesn't seem to have any problem running late. So Chris and I were actually waiting on him for a few.

Today's class went really well. We've been working on being able to play "Wish You Were Here" by Pink Floyd for the last few weekends -- Richard likes to pick songs apart, rather than have you learn from charts and chord progressions. That way you have a catchy song to remember (instead of a scale or something), and it just helps things sink in.

For instance, I know that the chords for the, uh, break in the song are: Em G Em G Em A7 Em A7 G. That's memorized, and so are the positions my fingers have to be in. I'm not a fan of the band, but this song has really been a good learning tool.

Also, Richard had brought his Strat in for one of his other students - and both Chris and I got some time with it. It's actually easier to play than the acoustic I inherited, and having some time with it just really solidified my determination to get the one I had held back a month or so ago.

After the lesson - and with Andrea's permission - I ran down to Bardstown and put some money on that very guitar. I also took some time to look around at the selection, and was more than a little amused: while they had a LOT of Stratocaster and Strat-a-likes (by Yamaha and the like), I only found ONE Fender Strat that had the two single-coil pickups, with the humbucker bridge... like the one I picked out. And it was an American model, marked at some $1300 or so, used. That was the only HSS they had on the floor... so I'm thinking I had good timing when I picked the one I did.

After that I bought Andrea a couple of small Christmas gifts -- we've agreed to get the "big" items for one another in January. I have no idea what those will be though, because I'm gonna try really really really hard to get my guitar before New Year's... Joe, a friend from work, has basically started begging me to have my own guitar in time, so we can play guitar together while Andrea and I are over there. We'll see what happens, is all I can say. I still owe some $220 on it... and my next paycheck won't hit until January 2nd. Eeep. (In other words, I don't see it happening.)

And beyond that, I've been working on the Christmas tree. It kind of snuck up on me - and the tree still isn't done being lit. I've made a good bit of headway on it though, and I think if I can get rid of this stupid headache, I'll manage to be 3/4 the way done tonight -- and possibly finish it up tomorrow! Woo.

Anyway. Here's to aspirin, and a nasal wash. Wish me luck.

Okay. So, at work today, we got a notification in the 'Workforce' chat that supervisors would be pulling everyone off the phones in Houston, to have a meeting with them. I know that Teresa, our tech support manager between both call centers, was down there.

Shortly after, -our- supervisors all sort of huddled together and whispered among themselves. It seemed weird, but clearly something was up.

Now, we were in queue for most of the day, so I didn't spend a lot of time on observing this - but it did make me wonder, however brief. Later on in the night I heard from a lead, who has been in contact with someone in Houston... that evidently, mid-november is their last day -- the company's closing up tech support, offering severance packages, and allowing everyone to ask for unemployment; they're all being laid off.

Now, it's just an unconfirmed rumor; but it makes me wonder. Several people from our call center moved out there, and we were told it was to train that call center and basically whip them in shape; and then this. If it's true, will those people be moving back? Are -we- in danger, in Louisville?

I hope not. I don't THINK we are - from what I was told, Houston's call center was losing them money... and we've had on-going problems with their leads not doing their jobs at night...

But it makes me wonder.

I'm totally nervous about posting this. Partly because I don't believe it, and secondly because I haven't had a chance to tell Andrea first. lol.

I don't think I've talked about it much on here, but most of you already know: for the last month now, I've been taking guitar lessons. Andrea surprised me around my birthday, and she arranged for a free "demo" guitar lesson so I could see how I liked it. They work weekends, they do half hour and hour sessions, the pricing isn't terrible, etc. So I arranged to go with a friend, Chris, and we both liked it so much, we signed up immediately after... and have been going since. Except Chris skipped one weekend, and our teacher, Nick, was sick the next. So I've basically had five lessons.

I've been learning on my mom's old guitar, the one I inherited. It's a Yamaha, and she was given it the year I was born. It's as old as I am! And it's been really cool to finally pluck on it a bit. But the majority of the music I listen to is electric, and so the hunt was on to find an electric guitar I liked. I was immediately drawn to the Fender Stratocaster. Not because it was used for the Rock Band guitar either. :P

Now, without knowing much about the instruments, I was basing this largely off the look of the instrument, and reviews I'd been reading online. I liked how the Gibson SGs looked, but everyone mentioned that it was 'top heavy'. Even my teacher, Nick, said he has one, but it's sitting there, dismantled -- because he never plays it. He prefers the Strat.

So I started looking at the Strats. And I had to ask what the different pickup arrangements were for, and I listened to some samples on Youtube (shush) to 'hear' the differences in various guitars... and what I settled on is what's called a "Fat Strat", or a "HSS" guitar. This is one "humbucker" pickup, and two "single coil" pickups. It gives you some variety because of a switch on the guitar, which lets you switch out per song whether you're using the one pick up or two - and it really affects the tone. Surprisingly so.

--

So, today. We actually got Nick talking a bit about the hardware; Chris wants to get this super-expensive Strat, and I asked why he didn't just get a normal one. I didn't see the difference, myself. And Nick showed us this website where Chris could buy some hardware to put on a standard Stratocaster, that would approximate this other guitar -- at half the cost. Neat.

Naturally, after the lesson we had to go to the guitar store and poke around. And there she was, one of the two guitars I'd had my eye on for the last two weeks. A Fender Standard HSS Stratocaster. Black, with a rosewood fretboard. Here's a picture:



Sigh. So pretty. I checked the price tag, and my eyes went wide -- but in a good way. New, never owned, price: $399. With tax, $422.94. This was exactly the same price as what I'd seen for it online, new; was the price range I was looking at (though on the upper end, I'll admit) and it was right there in front of me. I would be supporting a locally-owned store by buying from them.

There was also an opportunity. They have a room with this gigantic amp, and you're allowed to go in there and mess around, and decide if you want the instrument or not. I had to try it out. So... I did. I don't know any songs yet, but I know a few chords. I know a few finger exercises too. So i did those, and messed with the knobs and the switch. It felt... -nice-. Damn nice. It was easier on my fingers than mom's acoustic, it wasn't as... awkward because the body was smaller, and the thing just plain sounded -awesome-.

Sidenote: The Ren and Stimpy theme song? Doghouse Blues or whatever? Was played on a Stratocaster.

I also handed it off to Chris and said "Play -something-. Let me hear more than finger exercises on this thing." So he complied as best he could, and I was really impressed. The store has a layaway plan; 20% down, and they hold that exact instrument for you for 90 days. You can come in and drop some cash off, you can wait the 90 days and pay it in full, whatever. If you can't pay it, you get your money back, and the guitar goes back out on the racks.

I had to have it.

I did some mental calculations; rent, car payment, hold money back for Andrea's trip, gas for a week... Happy with the remainder, I went up to the counter and spoke with the store's owner, Jim. And I put my $90 down on the guitar. So I have until February 13th (90 days) to come up with $332.94. If I figure the math right, I have 7 paychecks between now and then. And it averages out to just $50 a paycheck, and I'll pay it off in the 90 days. That's without asking Andrea to pay on it; thats completely -mine-. I'll still have money I can set aside for other things, or I could pay this off in a hurry and have it in time for Christmas; whatever I want to do, within my budget.

I can't believe I picked out a guitar and put money down on it. I'm so very, very excited.

If there were more commercials like -this-, I might actually start watching TV again.

*goes for a cold shower*

Some background: On Wednesday (or Tuesday. Whichever) Andrea surprised me with a free demo guitar lesson at the nearby "Louisville's School of Rock". They're really relaxed, and give lessons to all ages, and offer several ways of learning: ala carte, weekly, even 'per semester'.

They teach all sorts of instruments, and can give vocal lessons. They have a studio band called "The Weekend Warriors", and it seems like they like to form bands and give them the opportunity to play gigs. :D They even have a recording studio in-house, if you want to cut a demo.

--

The other night, my friend Chris and I stood outside my apartment and talked about where we were in our lives, and where we wanted to be. I told him that 30 isn't that far off -- and I've got to start getting my life together in a serious way. I can't act like a spoiled teenager forever, and I need to plant myself in one place and start building.

Keeping this apartment is one factor. Andrea and I have agreed that we want to stay here until we clean up our credit and can afford a small house together -- preferably in the same area we are now. I've got a decent job, and while I complain - daily - about working conditions, they're things I've always faced, and will continue to face unless I can get out of the whole "entry level" job class. If I can just -not miss work- for several more months, I'll be in a position to move up in the company, and earn more money.

We've also got decent medical coverage, and that's pretty darn spiffy. In addition, I've started to slowly replace the clothes in my closet with articles that "fit" me. Both physically, but also in manner of style. They say "clothes make the man", and I find myself less nervous if I'm comfortable with what I'm wearing.

I've also changed a lot about how I eat and drink, and the result is that I'm healthier than I have been in a while -- and I'm slowly starting to lose weight. I need to follow that up with aerobic exercise so I can lose more of this tummy-flab of mine, but it's nice to have to buy smaller belts even still. :)

Next, I'd like to learn new things. Not necessarily about computers. Not necessarily about business topics. But I really haven't used my ability to -learn- very much in years now. And reading up on Buddhism, while also inspiring, it reminding me that a day spent without learning anything is a day wasted. I'm 27, which is still young - but let's face it. My mother lived into his mid-50's, right? So, presuming my life's half over, I've gotta get it in gear before I waste any more time!

This brings me to creativity. Somewhere along the way -- perhaps due to my anti-depressant -- I've started to draw again. Not every day. And I'm not fantastic at it. But I'm DRAWING again, and that is such a huge step for me. I want to draw. I want to write, and I want desperately to be CREATIVE again. There's too much up in his head of mine that I can't do anything with, because I'm so hard on myself. Instead of starting with a rough and slowly bringing the details into the project as I can, I try for the finished piece in one go -- and discourage myself when it's not perfect on the first try.

There's no room for that sort of thinking anymore, and I'm doing my best to remember that.

Lastly, responsibility. This includes things like proactively doing the dishes, or gathering trash at home before Andrea gets fed up with me. I know she doesn't like having to remind me to do these things, and so will often do them herself -- leading to resentment for doing 'the chores' I'm supposed to do, in addition to her own. This also includes things like getting out of the apartment on my own, setting that strange, inexplainable fear I feel aside, and picking up groceries.

I'm lucky Andrea's had as much patience as she has. And I'm trying to thank her appropriately!

--

So when Andrea sprung a surprise guitar lesson on me, I was conflicted. Here she was, grinning wider than I'd seen in a long while. She was bouncy. She was proud of herself, and happy with her surprise. She kept telling me how -excited- she was, and how proud of -me- she was, that I was going to go. lol. Even though I wasn't the one who signed up in the first place!

I was excited by the idea of taking guitar lessons. From what Andrea told me, it sounded extremely affordable. And there was no 'sales pitch', no obligation. I would be going to a free demo-lesson, and would be left to decide if I wanted to return or not on my own. The only problem was going somewhere I didn't know, alone.

Later on I had the chance to talk to my friend, Chris - the same I'd been talking to about life. We had both expressed an interest in getting together on Saturdays for a few hours and practicing together... eventually moving to the point where we could 'jam' together. I told him about the school and the free lessons, and he was excited - and interested. This was Thursday, actually, and I told Chris to give them a call and see if he could go -with- me, and schedule an appointment either at the same time, or at a similar time. Preferably with the same teacher.

He was willing, and made the call. We had the great fortune of being allowed to go in for a half hour demo together, at the same time, with the same teacher. his resolved my fear at going alone, and made me look forward to going.

--

So we went today - and actually got there about 20 minutes early. Thankfully, the guy wasn't busy, and took us in and got us started. He printed out three sheets of paper for us both - a basic chord chart, "warm up" tabulature to help loosen up my fret hand, and finally the "C Major scale".

I was shown how to hold a pick, but was told that wasn't necessary during these first few steps. I was given a realistic expectation of 6 months before I could probably be able to pick up a page of tabs (or sheet music) and be able to get through it.

It was very relaxed. The guy was friendly, and even wrote down on the sheets where the dots on my fretboard were, because I kept having to count my way down before moving to another position. Just that alone has helped me, as I can go "okay, that's 5, 7, 9, 12" -- and I instantly know, "and 6 is right between these two dots"... rather than looking over the guitar and counting.

That alone helped. A LOT. And I started to pick up the counting quickly enough that he was honestly impressed. We just had a half hour in there with him - maybe a little more, since we got there early - and already I was getting the hang of reading the tabs, knowing where to put my fingers on what fret. I was slow at it, but I wasn't asking a lot of "is this right?" -- instead, just instinctively 'getting it'.

The only thing I'll say about the half-hour demo is that it felt really, really, really short. I mean, we were able to ask questions - about how to best hold a pick (I know it's a matter of preference, but I felt like I was holding it out too far. After he showed me how he held his, I realized I really was.) and about the difference in playing acoustic and electric guitar. (Incidentally, electric's easier because the guage of the strings are usually smaller.)

After the lesson, Chris and I got a moment to talk to each other before being led to the counter out front, where we were asked how we liked it. Turns out, we both did. A lot. We were both excited, and when asked if we wanted to continue coming, we were in immediate agreement: YES. Yes, God yes. Weekly Saturday lessons. Please. After hearing some basic costs, we decided to continue the joint lesson format, but to expand to an hour: 1pm to 2pm every Saturday, pending cost.

He and I both filled out enrollment forms (which were very, very short) and were told the accountant would contact us in a day or two to confirm costs. As we're in the middle of the month, we -might- be prorated. But it looks like it would be $60 a lesson, 4 times a month, paid once a month. Chris and I would be splitting these costs (as far as the front counter woman could figure) which would bring individual cost to just $120 a month. ...Which is NOT BAD.

There was some confusion there though, on whether we'd be charged $60 for the group lesson, or $60 individually -- which is why I'm eagerly waiting for this woman's call. Doubling the cost to $240 each a month wouldn't be something we could afford, so we'd have to cut back to the 30 minute sessions. But either way, Chris and I are enrolled.

--

To wrap all of this up:

Thank you, Andrea. This was a wonderful surprise. I love you.

Hiya everybody out there in journal land. I know it's been a while since I said anything to y'all, but that's because it's been a while since I had anything to really say.

But an ability left unused is no ability at all - and I'd really, really like to retain the ability to talk about myself. Because, you know, how -boring- would your lives be without me in it? :D

...

Kay. Well, you didn't have to say it like that, but I get your point.

Anyway.

So here I am, sitting at the desk while Andrea's on the TV playing Spore. It sounds like she's progressing quickly and having fun with it - so that's awesome. ...Work continues. It sucks here lately because they're trying to integrate two call centers that have been run two completely different ways... and there are some definite clashes when it comes to policy and knowledge level... But, at the same time, I -still- have my job. I've surpassed a year at one place (if you count my temp work for the company... and I do) and I'm trying very very very hard to make it two years.

Unfortunately I'm down to a handful of hours I can miss work - less than half a day of work - before I'm fired for missing too much work over the course of a year. The first reprieve will be sometime in mid-November, when one full occurrence drops off... but it'll be September of next year until my record's completely spotless. The rolling calendar is mighty painful, but I'm doing my best to stay healthy, keep showing up for work, and not burn out.

Having a full time job, a reliable paycheck, and health insurance feels good. And I'm proud of the work I've accomplished. Over the last year I've really learned a lot about the whole credit card terminal process, and I've been told that if it wasn't for my attendance, I could've been a team lead by now. That's both flattering as hell, and frustrating.

I'm disappointed in myself for missing so much work... but then I realize that I've missed a little under 8 days over the last Year. I wish they allowed for a couple more, because... damn it, out of 269 working days a year, I've missed only 3% of work. That's a fucking accomplishment, gang, and I'm proud that I've missed so little work -- I just wish my bosses agreed. :)

--

Beyond that, I've drawn a little. It's been about two weeks since I drew anything though, and I'm determined to pick up a pencil again in the next day or so. I've really felt the itch to draw, and I don't want to go through another extended period of -not- drawing, and having to start all over again. Keeping things loose and cartoony is definitely helping -- now I want to branch out and learn to start posing figures for my art.

Maybe that's why I didn't do much over the last few weeks. I've been good at drawing people standing up, facing the right -- but trying to branch out from THAT is a little daunting to me for some reason. I don't care though, I seriously want to keep drawing - my own fears be damned.

Beyond that... BIG NEWS TODAY!

Andrea and I have bought our first washer and dryer. :D Midway through our second year at this apartment, and we could finally afford 'em. I'm paying for them out of pocket - but Andrea covered almost $100 in expenses paying for the U-Haul that we got to actually get the things over here.

Despite being used, they're recent models and we got 'em for cheap. Hooked them both up, cleaned 'em out with bleach... and we did a load of towels to test everything. And I'm pleased to say, the clothes smell clean and came out dry at the end of a cycle. Glory days! -- Tomorrow I get to wash my work clothes. :D No more hot laundromats! No more feeling useless because my blood pressure pills make me sensitive to heat, making me weak, flushed, tired, and cramped. It's as though I'm extremely susceptible to heat exhaustion or something.

--

Not a lot of progression on the whole intimacy problem, though... and that's starting to manifest itself again. It's extremely frustrating for me - and for Andrea, I'm sure... that when I'm in the right mood I can hug and kiss and cuddle... but if she comes on to ME she's met with a shove and a dirty look.

Worse yet, I don't know why I act like that to her. I've actually been kinda horny lately and thinking I'd love to have a good round of sex -- but somehow I can't bring myself to actually try with her. Andrea says I think to much, and I think she's right. My doctor told me all my bits were in working order - so it's gotta be a mental issue.

Anyway. Once again I'm "live blogging" everything that comes to mind as I sit here, and I've rambled on long enough.


Peace.

So, I got bored with my desktop last night. I've been running Ubuntu 8.04 for about a month now and I'm really happy with the results. I still keep Windows in a Virtual Machine, you know, just in case I find a website that HAS to have Internet Explorer. But beyond that, I'm actually really happy with things now.

But, my desktop was also kind of plain and boring for that last month. So last night I decided to get down to the nitty-gritty and start playing with icon schemes, 'desklets', configuring the AWN dock, various window themes and software updates...

And what I came up with - and 'finished' this morning is what you see before you.

I think it's really nice. It's clean. It's simple.

Anyway, yeah. That's my geek out for now. :)

"She had never cried so hard."

And I'm strangely happy with it. :3 I want to give it a try at coloring this latest one, but I don't want it to be flat-colored.

...

...Anyone out there want to give it a go? I'd love to see everyone else do something. :)

This is brilliant. Seriously. Just watch.

Woke up early to go to the doctor's office. Went outside to get in my car.
The car wasn't there. There were tire marks burned into the parking lot.
I freaked and woke Andrea up, told her the news. She confirmed it.

I sobbed. I sobbed and cried and whimpered and begged her not to leave me.
She reassured me, and told me she wouldn't - and that we'd figure something out.
I called Drive and found out they repoed the car.
Found out how much I owed... and knew there was no way to get it.

I called into work, arranged to take the day off.
Andrea did the same.
With little sleep and frazzled nerves, we started to wonder: would a new car be cheaper?
We made off to "The Kia Store".
A nice sales guy said he couldn't help us, but knew someone who could.
We gathered our wits and went to "The Car Store".

We put $1000 down -- money that we'll have to recoup SOMEHOW
-- and drove away with a white, 2003 Ford Taurus SES sedan.

It doesn't feel real.

Take a moment, and describe fun for me. When was the last time you had fun? When was the last time you laughed, smiled, joked and just didn't -care- what everyone thought, or what time it was. When was the last time you stopped worrying about what time it was, or if you were going to remember to eat before bed - or if you'd stay up so late, you were going to miss the alarm.

I spend most of my time worrying about "being proper", "being polite", "being right", and "being available". I show up for work about a half hour early every day - and if I come in 15 minutes early instead, I get stressed because I'm "late". Or, at least, later than I'd like to be.

It affects my daily life. It affects my marriage. It affects my sex life. I can't "waste away the hours" -- what if there's an article I want to read online? What if there's another detail on the new Batman movie? What if someone's sitting on AIM right now, thinking, "Man, when's Adam going to get on?"

What if. What if. What if.

It's affected how I play video games - in short bursts, lest I waste the night playing them. I haven't even been back to w00tz since that first time, because I don't want to pay for some play hours and get 'stuck' playing... not to mention the awkward social requirements. Not knowing anyone in a room means you don't have anyone to back you up when things turn awkward.

I'm introverted - and as much as I'd started to be outgoing, something's happened to make me turn inward again. I don't know what. I can't identify what. I can't remember a specific time or reason to cause it. But I've withdrawn, and Andrea talked with me about it.

She told me that there are times she feels like a roommate and little more. She feels as if I go into my corner and dismiss her. And in turn I told her -- as miserable as I am being alone... it's comfortable. It's familiar and reassuring. It's easy to slip back into that. Being vulnerable and in the open -- being outgoing and wanting -- that's difficult. That's stressful. But Andrea makes me want to be more outgoing. She makes me uneasy, and makes it so I feel guilty and awkward sitting in the corner all of the time. Her presence makes me want to go out and to hang out with a group of people. But I want her there with me - and that's so very hard to accomplish.

I'm confident in my skills at work. I'm confident in my knowledge, or my ability to find the correct answer. I'm no longer as confident in my marriage -- and I'm not confident in who I am. I've never liked "me" very much. I don't think I'm a good person... I don't think I'm someone people would like to know. But Andrea tells me she loves me - and that there are little things I can do that arouse her... there's someone out there for me, and she's in my bed, right now, waiting for me.

Forget about loving myself - when will I just be comfortable in my own skin?